Are you wondering if you should have a third child? People often say that after two children you are outnumbered and at that point if gets so much harder. What would you do if all three need your attention? How would you handle feeding and nap time? In my case, being outnumbered was not that much of a problem. After all, my oldest is 11 and the chances that she will cry, need a nap or to have her diaper changed at the same time as the others is at this point 0. So, having three children or in my case two children and a teenager made perfect sense. After all, it’s more like three adults and two children as Angie (my older daughter) is extremely helpful and very caring toward her brothers.
For me, the deeper meaning of having three children didn’t set in until after the baby was born. I didn’t feel outnumbered but the guilt over having a third child was significant. Having a baby meant that my youngest was no longer the baby. I could not help but feel guilty for having to remove my toddler from the position of baby. I wasn’t overwhelmed, I was just sad. During the initial weeks, as I battled with exhaustion and constant pumping and feeding, I felt like the baby was taking all of my time with my toddler. I longed for the times in which I would nap with my toddler or we would play together. I missed him greatly even though we were still together all the time. I had never experienced this feeling before as Angie (my oldest) was 9 when Yoyi (my toddler) was born. She was already independent and enjoyed time by herself. But now, I had two babies and I could not figure out how to handle the guilt. At this point, I would like to say it does get better and if you have two children close in age you probably experienced this when going from one to two children.
A friend recently asked me what it was like to have three and if it was hard. “It has been very hard”, I said. Not because I have to do more and the laundry seems to never end, and I am tired all the time, and I have changed about 350 diapers this past week… but because I wish my toddler could have been my baby for longer. See, I was very attached to my toddler. His crib was in my room (after several weeks of different viruses) and he would sneak into bed with us. We would look at baby pictures and watch episodes of Cat in the Hat. We were best pals. After having the baby, I had to move his crib back to his room and it broke my heart. We tried to have both in the room and no one could sleep. My toddler has a very light sleep and would sit on his crib and talk every time the baby cried. He fell and got injured a week after we brought the baby home. He refused to walk or sit and had to be held. Every time I had to put him down to grab the baby, I felt like my heart was hurting. I wanted to give him 100% of me like before and I just couldn’t. As I explained to my friend, it wasn’t anything my children were doing that made it harder to go from two to three but rather my own feelings. My guilt and my believe that I was taking from one of my children to give to the other.
I am glad I kept telling myself that it would get better because it did. He loves his room and his going to bed routine, he loves his baby brother and I am feeling less and less guilty. I have come to understand that this little baby that felt like an intruder for a little while will be my toddler’s best friend. They will most likely argue and laugh but they will always be together. My toddler won’t remember any of this but he will surely remember all the happy times that will, without a doubt, come in the future. I have given him a great gift, the gift of another sibling.
If you are wondering if you should have a third child, think about what this will mean for you and your family. Not in the immediate future but in the long run. The first few months are the hardest ones for any new adventure. You can and will adapt to meet the needs of your children. If you feel like you could not imagine your life with one more child in it, then it may be time to stop at 2. But if you are unsure, try to imagine more love, giggles, first words and first steps. If that makes you smile, you may be just like me…
